Despite my impatience, I do see that it is sometimes necessary to repeat the same actions and lessons until we realize we no longer find pleasure or enjoyment in them. Suffering may be optional, but it sure is a good teacher, and a necessary one depending on our choices. We know this. Your story fills its own pages, but mine is filled with food and eating “disorders.” But even binging on sugar, fat, and salt loses its taste; especially when I recall the flavor of a fresh summer peach bursting open in my mouth and down my chin as tart and sweet blend on my tongue, making the muscle curl in on itself.
I have a question.
What do you want?
Sometimes we will talk or hear about the difference of want and need, letting go of desire, etc, etc, etc.
Let me be candid: I think that's a big load of bull crap, and I'll tell you why.
I'm slowly starting to realize that my Growth, my path, is in part a journey towards understanding the difference between need, desire/want, and compulsion. Compulsion is the war we fight when we are afraid to claim what we need and have forgotten what we want. Compulsion, craving, insanity, whatever. Indulgence does not equal enjoyment. We know the difference, our bodies know the difference. One leaves you empty, the other leaves you filled to the brim. Filling up a car with air instead of fuel. Here's a (not so) secret: Happiness is the best damn fuel you will ever find (and the cheapest), so long as we remember where to look for it.
My story is a saga of trying to figure out what I want (where are we looking?), and feeding (literally) the compulsion to fix something that ain't broke.
As I sat meditating this evening, I asked my guru, my spirit guide, to sit with me. Usually she comes to me in the form of a beautiful crone, wise eyes, hands a pattern of softness and calluses, cloaked in a woven blanket. But this time she took a different shape, an image that I only recently have begun to get back in touch with: my inner Arist, One Who Creates:
I hold the hands of my Artist self as I sit and breathe, picturing her long, dark brown hair framing a pale white complexion and soft eyes and lips. She smiles and reminds me to Come Back. I realize, as part of my journey, I have forgotten my way home. Her phrase does not refer to coming back to the breath or the moment; her call is to come back to the beginning. Retracing my steps and trail of bread crumbs until I find myself, kneeling at her doorstep, cold and shivering. I have found home, my big bang, my moment of conception that spurred forth infinite color and light, just as the Artist (I am You) presses a brush, thick with paint, upon a surface and gently pulls down, smearing Matter onto Space and Time.
When we allow them the space and the time, Need and Desire begin to mix together like Yellow and Blue, forming a rich Green. What the body needs and what the heart desires are not so different, and if, through grace and openness, I listen, I will find my way Home.
Always know that if you feel the Desire to share after reading my monthly posts, I encourage you to do so, even anonymously. What resonates, what doesn't resonate, what is stirred up inside you?